Farewell

March 30, 2015

5:59 AM

I'm here alone at the wake of my father. My family is busy doing things for my father's funeral. We don't want my father to be left alone so we're alternating in watching him. Does that sound absurd? The last time I blog about him was when he was hospitalized. I was so sad then. I never thought I could be sadder. This is my greatest fear right here. Losing anyone of my family. We knew this day would come. I KNEW this day would come. But it never prepares me and it never comforts me in any way. Even though I know this is better that he is in no pain anymore, still it hurts. No one would call me "abajoyjoy" anymore. No one we could call "ama" anymore. No one to argue with anymore. No lolo to hug Riley anymore. 

I just realized it recently, that I'm more like my father than my mother. We both have short tempers, we both have low tolerance to pain, we both are difficult to reason with, and we're both hard headed :) Maybe that's the reason why we clash a lot of times. There was a part of my life when I hated him so much. I used to wish sana hindi na lang xa ang naging tatay ko. But seasons change and we both matured. I began to accept him as he is. With all his flaws, with all his weaknesses. I loved him long enough to know that hindi namin nasayang ang panahon. Kahit na 4 years lang narebuild ang samahan namin bilang mag-ama, it was a life not wasted. Days bago xa mamatay, nagkaron kami ng family teledrama moment. He was crying and we were cheering him up. We prayed and he accepted Jesus as his saviour. Then I said, "Ama, patawarin mo ko sa lahat ng kasalanan ko dati at pinapatawad na rin kita sa lahat ng naging pagkukulang mo." He close his eyes and nods. I've never said that words to him but I know he knew it deep inside. I just wanted to say it out loud. We've said all we wanted to say to him and he said all he wanted to say to us before he died. It was a happy ending after all. 

I learn something today. That I should strive to live life as meaningful as it could be. I want to make the best of every day. Life here on Earth happens in a blink of an eye. Ama taught me to not be afraid to die. Because something amazing is waiting after this life. A place where there is no pain but only endless joy. I know because I believe that's where my father is right now. :)

Rest in peace ama

May 12, 1955 - March 29, 2015

Untitled

Last night, I've done something I have never done in a long time - to cry my heart out. I'm just so sad. When I remember how my father looks in the hospital yesterday, I can't help my tears. My father has been diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. He's been too weak this past few days. It felt like years when in fact its just a month when I last saw him healthier and stronger. Pinuntahan ko pa xa nun sa bahay nila. Sabi ko kung pwede nya kami ihatid sa graduation ni riley. Umoo xa dahil hindi naman nya natatanggihan si riley. One week later, bgla na lang tinawagan ako ni eddieboy dahil sumumpong daw ang sakit ng ama. After that, I never saw his usual self. 

You know, I've never been close to him and I know I'm his least favorite child. But that doesn't change the fact that he is my father and I love him. We all love him despite his shortcomings. Ang ina, si ate, si janice, lalong lalo na si eddieboy. Our family is far from perfect. We all have our own mistakes and few times we clash. But still we love and look after one another. That's the thing about love. It doesn't need reasons. It doesn't need justifications. We are a family and we are facing this test as a family. 

I don't know what's going to happen to him. And that is what scares me most. I can't stand watching him suffer and to go through all that pain. I just want him to be healthy and strong again. I want to see him eat all the food he wants. I want him to be able to carry Riley in his arms again. I want him to get better so he can drive us somewhere. I don't want him in the hospital. I don't like what the doctors are doing with his body. Gusto ko andito xa sa bahay, malakas, kahit plagi nya ako pinagsasabihan. 

I wish everything is back the way it used to be. I don't want a life without a father. :(

Friends Forever

Pag naiinis ako ni Riley dahil sa kanyang kakulitan, ganito ang sinasabi niya:

Riley: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Friends? (with matching sweet smile)

Natatawa na lang ako sabay sabi ng "yes, we're friends!"